I had a moment a few days ago that the jury's still out whether everyone else experiences this range of emotions or if I tend to let my emotions capture me and drag me through the mud. I left STL rather late, I'll admit, but with still enough time to reach Cincinnati in the time frame originally planned. I got a ways outside of the city and realized I had forgotten my hanging clothes. Enter the range of emotions, aka a huge mood swing, light headedness, that sinking feeling in my chest, the feeling of tears and a huge chip on my shoulder of disappointment in myself for being so stupid to forget something so key. For a moment I kept driving thinking I could do without but being still in my first year, and the huge desire to impress and fit in, I knew I needed my work clothes. All I have in my bag is jeans and some shirts. So, with much chagrin I turned my car around and my brother and sister-in-law graciously met me half way.
But even now, hours after that mistaken moment (and you're probably thinking I need to calm down and realize it's not a big deal) I still have that weight of stupidity and disappointment hanging on me. It's an emotional thing that becomes physical you see- I can actually feel the pressure in my lower chest. Actually, the exact place I think my heart is.
Now my thought here is not to fill you with a sense of pity (or a sense that I need to be medicated) but to know that it got me thinking about God's Sovereignty and our dumb mistakes, and how it all fits together.
When something goes terribly wrong and we have no way of correcting it we're prone to metaphorically throw in the towel and usually attempt to believe but really mostly cop-out when we say that God's in control and this is clearly how He wanted the situation handled so that's how it worked out. But in my situation I still had the option to continue to Cincinnati and get there really, really late at night or wonder if it was God metaphorically tapping me on the shoulder and telling me to stay in STL for the night and drive early the next morning. You may be laughing, you may have stopped reading or be bored at this point because I'm going into too much detail about something so small, but here's the thing: if God's in control and He truly controls time and space, was it preordained for me to be an idiot and forget my clothes? Am I an idiot for doing it if it was destined to happen? Am I stupid anyway? (don't answer the last question).
It just got me thinking about Sovereignty vs. Stupidity- when our mistakes, our shortcomings, our idiocy fits into God's grand scheme and when it doesn't really make a difference. I guess it always makes a difference in a way, but where do these concepts collide? I don't know if I know the answer. Now there are times when I see those small mistakes blossom into something really good that you look back thankful for what you did but the rest of the time it leaves you with a level of self-doubt that can transcend into something really negative if you let it.
My final thought is this: we're constantly evolving and changing whether to be more like Christ or not. It's a series of constant choices that surround us and those mistakes do not predetermine that part of me. They may weigh heavy on my emotions occasionally but I think as believers we have a job to cast them off and not only leave the self doubt behind but also not let them come to define who we are or who we see others to be. It's really easy to get buried under mistakes and realize you're pigeon holed into a certain set of characteristics. As believers we've got to let people have the capacity to be themselves and mainly to be encouraged to be something better, each day, and allow those little things instead to chisel our humanity a little more to resemble more of our Savior.
