Radical

I've been reading a book recently at the encouragement of a pastor friend. The book is called Radical by David Platt. So far, it's fantastic. One part has really hit me:

"The gospel reveals eternal realities about God that we would sometimes rather not face. We prefer to sit  back, enjoy our clichés, and picture God as a Father who might help us, all the while ignoring God as a Judge who might damn us. Maybe this is why we fill our lives with the constant drivel of entertainment in our culture--and in the church. We are afraid that if we stop and really look at God in His Word, we might discover that He evokes greater awe and demands deeper worship that we are ready to give Him."

As I read that it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel the weight of it every day and there it is on the written page. Platt had been talking about how Jesus spent much of His time talking people out of following than talking them into it. When people wanted to follow Jesus He responded with statements like, "Go sell all your possessions and then come follow me." Platt made the point that we try so hard to twist Jesus' words to sound better and that Jesus didn't really mean it. I wonder in my life how many times Jesus has requested the same, or maybe something different, from me that I ignored as more of a heart matter than a reality. Maybe it is just a heart matter but I also think a lot of the times the only way for the heart matter to resolve is if the actual act comes to be.

This part of the book also reminds me of a sermon I heard months ago about how we capitalize on the characteristics of God that we like and minimize others. We don't like to think of God as wrathful, jealous or angry. It's interesting, isn't it? How we make God be who we want Him to be a lot of the time. I agree with Platt that I think I do it because I'm scared of what He really is, what I might have to give and what I might have to experience.

I'm only thirty pages in but so far, it's a great book. You should check it out.

His own Special People

I've been reading through church doctrine recently (it's one of my hobbies. seriously) and I came across a statement that I wondered whether I could sign my name under. In a local church's covenant document it reads "To turn from all godless living and sinful pleasures and to live consistent, God-honoring lives." Now that's all good stuff and sounds really pleasing to God. But the truth is, I can't do that. I'll always turn to godless living, it's my nature and I'll always have to be turned back, again and again.  So I'm struggling with this today, wrestling with such a weighty commitment and feeling like I've already failed God and my committment to Him on so many counts, every day, that to make another committment aloud makes it real and real means I have to try to follow it, giving me more things to fail at.

Then I noticed a series of scripture passages connected with the statements and opened to Titus 2:12-13. "Denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself His own special people, zealous for good works." (as an editor's note please notice this is one sentence and I started in the middle so no complaining about my run-ons. Now back to the point).

The friction I felt before flushed out after reading this passage. Do you see it? So at the beginning we're right where we were- trying to deny ourselves everything of the world and live godly lives. But it doesn't end there and it doesn't leave all the pressure on us. It says "that He might REDEEM us..."  He is going to continually save us and we need not rest on our own merit or accomplishments. I fight so hard to be a Christian and do the right thing on my own effort. I strive and push myself and forget to lean on Him and let God be God. He never intended a period in that sentence because the climax hadn't yet come when He was explaining our duties. He planned to redeem us, to set up apart, to "purify for Himself His own special people." I'm not just a person, I'm a special person. I'm not an accident, I'm not a mistake, I'm special and intricately made perfect. And while I don't act perfect all the time (ok fine, hardly ever), He still made me perfect and set me apart. And that's all I need to know. I think we search our whole lives to be told we're enough and He just told me that.

Translations

If you live here in Knoxville or care to read papers across TN (and possibly other states) you'll read today about the new version of the NIV Bible translation that's just hit the shelves. Apparently the NIV was updated in 2002 to be more gender-inclusive, i.e. use words like "humankind" instead of "mankind," etc. Apparently too, this version was wildly unpopular and so just last month they've tried to join the two versions to find some common ground. They've leaned more towards the old version, however, because it is so popular.

One of the apparent Bible Scholars (I say that without meaning sarcasm but to emphasize I do doubt slightly this man's vision) stated that when they were translating they tried to create an accurate English Bible without ticking off readers. When I read that, well, it kinda ticked me off.

I don't know about you, but the Bible ticks me off sometimes. Come on now, do you really want to be kind all the time? Do you really want to hold your tongue when someone slanders you, judges you without cause or cuts you down? When turning our lives around and becoming a Believer the whole idea, and the only way it will work, is a total transformation and almost total suppression of all our humanity. It's almost completely against any instinct, any emotion, any cultural norm or practice. It's not like anything we've been taught governing moralism or behavior. Think I'm exaggerating? Our society is based on immediate reward. I do something good, I get acknowledged. I do something unethical, as long as I don't get caught I get the reward I sought and I still keep my character in tact (bc no one knows). We're taught to be kind and friendly because we're southern (well those of us that are blessed, anyway) and not because it's what Jesus would do. Sure, we may say it's because of Jesus, and sometimes it is, but generally it's human-decency governing us. Those that win the crowd rise to the top in our world.

The Bible teaches us to suppress the need for immediate reward which is entirely what our world is built on. The Bible teaches us to put others first and pay no regard to ourselves and in reality I put others first mainly when I can see the reward for myself.

The Bible ticks me off that Abraham could pretend Sarai was his sister and when the Egyptians found out he was lavished with gifts, not punished by God. Again, contradictory to human traditions. We live and die on earth by what is fair. But God doesn't. Grace isn't fair, not by a long shot.

But as a whole it irritates me that our religion has turned into something that as we translate the word of God, our closest physical connection to our Lord, that even a consideration is popular opinion. Are you kidding me? Humans are going to hate it, it's in our DNA, because it restricts commonality and popular livelihood.

If the original translates the word as brothers, translate the word as brothers. If it translates brothers and sisters, translate it brothers and sisters. If it translates brothers but the word used meant all humans then translate it as everyone. Put notes at the bottom so we can understand the culture and know how to define the correct translations. Stop trying to dumb down our religion because we've given up on people actually studying and try failingly to at least translate the Bible in such a common way that if someone happens to pick it up they might be able to understand. Have we forgotten that the word of God is foreign to those that don't believe? They're not meant to understand, that comes with the Spirit teaching us, not us watering it down so much that it becomes less than divinely-inspired.

We often aim in our modern churches not to create Saints but to create converts. We aim to save people and then teach them to come each week, sit in a chair for an hour and hear a word spoken by a person on Sunday mornings. We aim to make Christianity so easy that anyone can do it and should do it, because it's convenient and popular. Don't we realize that we're selling ourselves short by expecting less than who God is capable of making us? That we're selling ourselves short by allowing modernism and survival to be put above how the Word of God tells us to live? We don't tithe, we only pray when we need something, we definitely don't fast, we check Jesus at the door like some old coat when we walk into most social gatherings. I say we here, both because I'm human and because I've fallen prey particularly recently to many of these modern-day Christianisms. We live by the bare minimum commitment to Christ even though it's completely contradictory to Jesus' words about lukewarmity. And we think we're fine...and safe.

But now I realize I'm overly stating the problem but have yet to produce a solution. And I think the solution is very complex and difficult and I definitely don't have the answers. I do know that being a Christ-follower is a continuous turning, a continuous coming back to His riven side and asking Him to fill us, to complete us, to pardon our sins and make us feel whole. I think if I could hear Christ audibly speaking He'd be constantly whispering in the ear, "You're enough, Katie, you're enough." And not because I am enough but because He's made me enough. And that's enough to make me cling tightly, even in my wandering, and it's surely enough for me to realize that this appeasement that plagues Christianity  to try to win over society is a losing battle and will result in would-be Saints never feeling like they're enough because that god isn't whispering the same thing in their ear and they spend their days only half filled. And that's not enough for me and it shouldn't be for you either.

Deleted from the Book

“But now, if you will forgive their sin—but if not, please blot me out of your book that you have written”  Exodus 32:32.

I’m about to finish a commentary on Revelation, I know I’ve been reading it for ages, sue me. I’m in Chapter 20 where it talks about judgment on the people based on what the books say. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll just talk about the Book of Life, which is what Moses talks about in the passage above. It struck me as I consider the significance of his statement. I try to love people, be kind to them, do little things like pick up someone’s copies from the printer, call a random friend and genuinely ask how they’re doing, send a short note or email of encouragement occasionally. I speak to people on the streets and smile as often as I catch someone’s eye. But being willing to go to HELL because I love someone so much I would trade places if the Lord required it? AHHHH. That’s, well, an eternal life choice. That’s a big deal.

I have a hard enough time not being right for a split second (my mother is nodding right now). As I consider the magnitude of Moses’ commitment to his people, it’s no wonder God saw an amazing leader in the person He’d created and picked Moses as the man for the job despite all his less than stellar prior life choices. But I wonder at this amazing, God-given graciousness to trade your place with someone less deserving. Ok, at that statement bells went off in my head as I considered Christ’s great sacrifice. He came to a very, very imperfect world, gave up His perfect world and entered in as fully human that He might conquer death. What He did was also impossible to me. What Jesus did by setting this fantastic example for us was life-altering and saving. It was amazing.

And my emphasis on Moses in no way translates that I think Moses’ act here as greater than Jesus’. But, I do believe that in our human context, when translated to be proportionate and erased of names and historical relevance, one tells the story of a single statement that if God had chosen to grant would have meant eternal consequences; the other, longer term statement, 30+ years of living it actually, and God did choose to grant the request so that we might live. Both are acts of sacrifice that God triumphantly handled according to His purpose and will.

But my thought still anchors with Moses. A single-mindedness so strong, so absolutely loving towards his fellow man that despite their extreme wondering and at the time his extreme obedience, he still chose for God to sacrifice him, for eternal damnation, if it meant the rest of his people might live. That’s amazing, consider that kind of love before you start puffing up your head about just how good you are. That’s a God-enabled love that’s grounded in stuff, far, far outside my nature, but I’ll pray you’re more like Moses than me ;)

Stupidity vs. Sovereignty

I had a moment a few days ago that the jury's still out whether everyone else experiences this range of emotions or if I tend to let my emotions capture me and drag me through the mud. I left STL rather late, I'll admit, but with still enough time to reach Cincinnati in the time frame originally planned. I got a ways outside of the city and realized I had forgotten my hanging clothes. Enter the range of emotions, aka a huge mood swing, light headedness, that sinking feeling in my chest, the feeling of tears and a huge chip on my shoulder of disappointment in myself for being so stupid to forget something so key. For a moment I kept driving thinking I could do without but being still in my first year, and the huge desire to impress and fit in, I knew I needed my work clothes. All I have in my bag is jeans and some shirts. So, with much chagrin I turned my car around and my brother and sister-in-law graciously met me half way.

But even now, hours after that mistaken moment (and you're probably thinking I need to calm down and realize it's not a big deal) I still have that weight of stupidity and disappointment hanging on me. It's an emotional thing that becomes physical you see- I can actually feel the pressure in my lower chest. Actually, the exact place I think my heart is.

Now my thought here is not to fill you with a sense of pity (or a sense that I need to be medicated) but to know that it got me thinking about God's Sovereignty and our dumb mistakes, and how it all fits together.

When something goes terribly wrong and we have no way of correcting it we're prone to metaphorically throw in the towel and usually attempt to believe but really mostly cop-out when we say that God's in control and this is clearly how He wanted the situation handled so that's how it worked out. But in my situation I still had the option to continue to Cincinnati and get there really, really late at night or wonder if it was God metaphorically tapping me on the shoulder and telling me to stay in STL for the night and drive early the next morning. You may be laughing, you may have stopped reading or be bored at this point because I'm going into too much detail about something so small, but here's the thing: if God's in control and He truly controls time and space, was it preordained for me to be an idiot and forget my clothes? Am I an idiot for doing it if it was destined to happen? Am I stupid anyway? (don't answer the last question).

It just got me thinking about Sovereignty vs. Stupidity- when our mistakes, our shortcomings, our idiocy fits into God's grand scheme and when it doesn't really make a difference. I guess it always makes a difference in a way, but where do these concepts collide? I don't know if I know the answer. Now there are times when I see those small mistakes blossom into something really good that you look back thankful for what you did but the rest of the time it leaves you with a level of self-doubt that can transcend into something really negative if you let it.

My final thought is this: we're constantly evolving and changing whether to be more like Christ or not. It's a series of constant choices that surround us and those mistakes do not predetermine that part of me. They may weigh heavy on my emotions occasionally but I think as believers we have a job to cast them off and not only leave the self doubt behind but also not let them come to define who we are or who we see others to be. It's really easy to get buried under mistakes and realize you're pigeon holed into a certain set of characteristics. As believers we've got to let people have the capacity to be themselves and mainly to be encouraged to be something better, each day,  and allow those little things instead to chisel our humanity a little more to resemble more of our Savior.

The Smile of God

I ran into a friend yesterday at a meeting and it got me thinking about a book I read years ago. It's called The Hidden Smile of God. I love John Piper's idea in the book about God's way often being the way we'd least expect and the way, in our humanity, we'd least wish for. He pours over the lives of John Bunyan, William Cowper and David Brainerd- three soldiers of the faith that stood through the hardest points any Christian could face. He traces their amazing journeys to show that God's will is often lived out directly in the muck and mire, in the absolutely worst situations and conditions, in the moments of certain defeat and helplessness because, as Amy Carmichael says, "just in those packed places lies the opportunity." I wrote her words on my sophomore dorm room wall and still think of them today. Both authors mean that in those exact moments we'd least like to be in, those moments we see our plan crumbling, are the very moments that God often makes things happen.

I was thinking about that book as I went about the rest of my day and I realized that while Piper makes an excellent point about the Hidden smile of God, I see daily the visible smile. I walked in to the meeting yesterday late, as usual, signed in and took a seat. As I sat down I realized, as I usually do, too late that I had not picked up the handout. Well, you see, I climbed over someone to sit down so getting back up would have caused a stir. But wouldn't you know, the guy I climbed over had already anticipated my need and had walked over and picked up a handout for me.

As I left the meeting I walked out with a gentleman who does similar work to me. We chatted about this and that and then I got into my car. I then realized he had walked the opposite direction of his car to kindly continue our conversation and let me get to my car safely.

I think there are so many ways to express Jesus' love to others but my favorites are the ways that the unobservant person may not notice but still are genuine act of kindness. Those moments that you've made someone's life a little easier, a little more worth living. Those moments that even for a brief period the tension ceases and you experience a moment of harmony. In my moments today these two people showed me Jesus much more than any other means. I am grateful to them as I am to thousands of others who have shown a person like me a great deal of grace and love. And I wonder what I've done today to take a few steps out of my way to lighten someone else's load and be Jesus to them, even if just for a moment.

Elementary Principles

"See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elementary principles of the world, and not according to Christ. For in Him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority" Colossians 2:8-10.

I love the small point inside of the larger point that Paul makes here. He's talking about not letting our academic lives affect our intimacy with God. I've found often that I can let lots of things take me captive, whether intentionally or not, that lead me astray. I resonate deeply with that song on Christian radio that says, "It's a slow fade when you give yourself away. It's a slow fade when black and white they turn to gray." I've been attempting to refocus my life recently as I've seen the gray prevailing in most instances instead of the black and white that God calls us to live in. I'm being taken captive by media, social norms and overall culture.

Have you ever realized that our society is a very me-centered place? (Our maybe I'm just giving you a glimpse of my world, welcome.) I walk into rooms where my self-preservation meter goes off instinctively and I'm prone to wonder why people aren't accomodating me better, loving me more, seeing me as important as I am. We value others, sure, but mainly when they value us. I read this quote a few days ago in this great book called The Way We're Working Isn't Working and I think it sums my plight up nicely:

"When we try to build our value at the expense of otherse, through greed or envy, they typically respond as if their own survival is at stake. It's akin to two drowing people trying to save themselves by pushing the other one down. Nobody wins. Likewise, the attempt to prove our superiority over others ends up separating us from the intimate connections we so crave. Our well-being depends not just on building our own value, but also on actively valuing others."

I love this idea, and if we've been filled in Him like Paul says then it's so incredibly true. It's true regardless I guess, but it's a capacity we're able to reach to genuinely value others if we're first rooted in Jesus. There's so much empty deceit and human tradition out there commending our self-preservation and self-centeredness. But then we catch a glimpse in this passage of Paul putting the ways of the world in their correct place- he says the elementray principles of the world. The rules and regulations that govern society (not the laws we're taught to obey but the social norms are what we're talking about) are elementary- beneath the living standard Christ calls us to as a follower. We've got to strip them off and learn to live, through his power, outside of them and apart from their grip. And in reality, that power they so easily exhert over us isn't real because Christ is the head of all rule and authority. Don't underestimate the difficulty you will have to do this, I haven't figured it out myself. But then again, as believers we're supposed to struggle with all of HIS energy, not ours, so I think we'll be able to do it if we continually turns ourselves back to God and believe that He can and He will give us the courage and strength to live out these lives He's blessed us with. And we can start being rooted in His authority and seeking out and applauding the value we see in others.

Laying Aside Every Weight

Recently I've been reading through this book called A Guide to Prayer. It's something we're reading together as an office. Anyway, here's where I am- I'm in a place of contentment, in a place where I feel I'm supposed to be, in a place that I truly feel happy. But I've had this annoying problem my entire life.

Plain and simple, I lie quite a bit. It's occasionally the telling of some great tale to go along with the current topic at hand that, as soon as I'm done, or even in the middle of the telling, I realize the mistruth of most of my tale. For the most part, however, it's the exaggerations and over-steps that I'm talking about. If it's 40 degrees I'll say 35 so it sounds a little colder and a little more edgy. If I have 10 clients to see this week I'll say 15 just to sound a little busier, a little more demanded for. I'm not sure why I do it, well, I take it back- I do. See, there I go again.

I do it because I always want to be a little better, a little more than whatever my current status or story actually is. I want to be a little more advanced or a little more impressive than the actual truth. The heart of the matter is, I still have an insufficiency complex. I still do not honestly see my value in God's eyes- I see it in my own eyes and try my best to perceive it in others' eyes. And with those two views, I come up short every time.

So, to compensate for that, I exaggerate. I add a little to try and cover the gap of inadequacy I feel. It's a coping mechanism, a strategy I've acquired to make myself feel better about my perception to other people. I'm searching for adoration in your eyes and body language. I'm searching for you to accept me and think I'm special. You don't have to say it, I can feel whether you do or not.

If only I had Jesus' eyes maybe I could see myself and the world for what we are. "Let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us" (Hebrews 2:1). We've got to throw off the weight, we've got to lay aside the encumbrances and run the race. The race is hard enough in itself and all these hindurances of our personalities and emotions hindering us only slow down our pace.

But I think, and I could be wrong about this, but I think it starts with accepting myself. Accepting my downfalls and shortcomings, accepting my stupidity and thoughtlessness, accepting those things I cannot change. I think it starts with seeing myself through Jesus' eyes and being ok with it and finding peace in it. And then, after continuing to find that center each day, throwing off the additional weight again and again until it's not so weighty as it once was because it no longer holds the power I once gave it. There's got to be something so much more than the lives most of us choose to live and I think it starts with letting God be God and finding out what He thinks of us.

Grace

“For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for Himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works” Titus 2:11-14.

I caught up with a friend tonight for a few hours and we often get stuck on the same theme: this construct of absolute truth and absolute right and wrong. That’s vague I realize but I love how this particular friend sees the world so incredibly different than I do- different upbringing, different eyes, different almost everything and yet we are so very similar in so many other ways. But that’s beside the point.

Self-discipline is something I have always struggled with. I’m terrible at it. I hate waking up in the morning; it’s pretty close to torture to me. I hate exercising; it’s too strenuous and makes me feel like I’m going to pass out. I hate doing a lot of things when I’m not in the mood or I’m too lazy to do something productive. Getting the picture I’m bad with self-discipline?

So we sway the other way when self-control and self-discipline don’t work for us. We steer towards grace and let grace cover all our short comings and faults. We let grace cover all our sins. Sounds great and it’s true. But I don’t think it’s always true in the same blanket approach we often think. Look at the passage- “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing…training…to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age…” Did you see it? Not exactly the picture or definition of grace we always think of. But look here: it says grace trains us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions and teaches us to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives right now. It’s not training us for Heaven it’s training us how to live TODAY. It’s training us to be servants, to be soldiers, to be fit for whatever may come. It’s training us that in this world we don’t always get our cake and get to eat it too. In the next, we will but for now the grind in the some freeing place to be.

We often think of grace as this band-aid that covers our scars and ugly spots and makes everything great so we don’t really have to work out our faith or make an effort at being godly or Christian. But then we see passages like this one and it clearly exemplifies grace as something very different indeed- grace as a very active thing that instructs us how to live not just a free gift given to cleanse all our poor living.

And then later on- did you know He came to redeem us from lawLESSness? As though it’s better to have rules and strict guides to adhere to instead of what we would consider freedom in our world? Yet again, God’s definition of freedom is indeed very different from our own. What a great God we have to take us and love us in spite of how fallen and confused we often are.

Given a Chance

“But Saul was ravaging the church, and entering house after house, he dragged off men and women and committed them to prison. Now those who were scattered went about preaching the word. Philip went down to the city of Samaria and proclaimed to them the Christ. And the crowds with one accord paid attention to what was being said by Philip when they heard him and saw the signs that he did. For unclean spirits came out of many who were possessed, crying with a loud voice, and many who were paralyzed or lame were healed. So there was much joy in that city” Acts 8:3-8.

We talked in my Bible Study today as to whether life was a constant cause-and-effect scenario. Do something bad, get punished. Follow Christ, have joy and get rewards. I think I can make a somewhat general statement and say that when many of us signed on to Christianity we weren’t thoroughly communicated to that the cause-and-effect often gets tossed out the window. The early Christians barely had the opportunity to formulate full opinions about these new beliefs. Most only knew that they believed greatly in a great man that did miraculous things, and that was good enough. There wasn’t time to think of all the whys and hows, and for that matter, many of them weren’t really smart enough, or at least hadn’t been taught enough, to go there. They just believed. In our time we often haven’t thought through Christianity before committing our lives but afterwards we are given the duration of our lives to find more answers to our soul searching.

In this Bible picture the Christians are being persecuted. They’ve been forced to flee and because of this they’re scattered abroad. Philip purposely went down to Samaria. Why? No clue. But he got the wild idea to go to the half-breed Samarians, the outcasts, the ones hated more than the pure-blood Gentiles. Samaria was the capitol of the Northern Kingdom of Israel. When Israel was conquered by the Assyrians the city became a melting pot. The Israelites didn’t stay pure and instead intermarried, thus becoming half-breeds and in Jewish culture that was one of the ultimate no-nos. They mostly weren’t even supposed to talk to outsiders, much, much less intermarry. Needless to reiterate, the Jews hated the Samarians.
But Philip, being a profound Jew, went to Samaria. Now you could say he was following Christ’s example. You could actually take it a step further and say he was following Christ’s exact footsteps knowing He purposely went to Samaria before to minister there. But early Christianity stayed predominately Jewish converts for quite some time, actually with Cornelius to be the first gentile convert a couple of chapters after this story in Acts. I love this picture in Samaria. Philip has brought the good news to them. He’s performing miracles with healings and the casting out of demons. I love this picture because of the whole of it. The church by many would probably be considered in shambles. People are being murdered, some as quickly as they are converted. The strongest are being scattered and having to hide out in random places in cities where people don’t know to hate Christians yet. But it says, “So there was much joy in that city.” There was no room for sugar-coating the good news in that day. The truth of Christ’s life-saving power was very real but the parallel reality of brutal treatment and a difficult earthly life was also very apparent. Knowing this, the early preaching and telling of the good news had to also contain the news of the reality of the life a Christian would take on by committing to The Way.
But there was much joy in that city. You could say it was a fleeting happiness due to all the healing but that wouldn’t fully complete the word joy. No, this was no fleeting moment; this was joy, full, complete and lasting. I find it amazing because in our day of great religious freedom we seem to have lost this key element of joy that they felt even in imminent danger. Sometimes I wonder if Amy Carmichael said it correct when she said, “Persecution winnows the grain, and we do not want a church of chaff.”

Carrying Out God's Purpose

I had the privilege to go to Africa a few years ago with some friends to do some youth camps and other ministry projects. I vividly remember so many ways that God changed my heart and mind on that trip. Mission trips are interesting to me because they have so many different effects on us. They grow us, they mature us, they teach us how to be better Christians or Christians at all. They also though, often leave us with unrealistic expectations and realities of the Christian life that are never meant to be seen or followed. It always reminds me of C.S. Lewis who said that we're not supposed to live on the high pitch, or mountain-top experience. We're meant to live in the drab drudgeries of life. Christian community and relationship with God often looks very different than how we see it on a mission trip.

But that topic will have to be shelved for another day as I have a different thought in mind currently. As I travelled in S. Africa a met many people that marked my life forever. One of those people being a little girl who asked a very simple question that made me sad I could not answer affirmatively. She asked me if I'd read the entire Bible. In her childlike simplicity being a Christian and reading the entirety of the Word of God went hand-in-hand. She wasn't being spiteful or pointing out my falsehood, she simply assumed that if I was teaching and representing a God who left us a book to learn about Him and find freedom in Him from, then the assumption is I am utilizing that resource and have actually read it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. No, I hadn't read the entire Bible. Many parts, many times but not the whole of it. I had read whole books, whole chapters, verses, parts, studied old and new testaments but could not definitively say I'd read every word. So, a while later I committed to reading the entire Bible. I read it like a book because it is a book and that's how I read other books (I'm a logic kind of person). I'm happy to report I just finished. It took me 4.5 years but I can truthfully say I've read the entire Bible, cover to cover. One passage struck me last night as I finished up that I thought tied nicely into the realization that God uses many situations and people to carry out His plan and purpose, just like He did with that little girl years ago.

"And the angel said to me, 'The waters that you saw, where the prostitute is seated, are peoples and multitudes and nations and languages. And the ten horns that you saw, they and the beast will hate the prostitute. They will make her desolate and naked, and devour her flesh and burn her up with fire, for God has put into their hearts to carry out His purpose by being of one mind and handing over their royal power to the beast, until the words of God are fulfilled. And the woman that you saw is the great city that has dominion over the kings of the earth'" (Revelation 17:15-18).

I will not attempt to unpack this situation or even tell you what's going on. I'm about to start the Revelation commentary by William Barclay so maybe you'll get an ear full sometime soon. For now, as I read this passage it struck me that God can and will use anything to make His plan work. From what I can tell the prostitute is super powerful in this story- she's sitting on top of the waters that represent everything on earth. So collectively the horns, beast and prostitute (and maybe some more, who knows) represent the whole of evil, I'd say. So in my head if they joined forces and worked together they'd be a more powerful force than individually. However, they can't get past themselves- they want all the glory, I suppose- and the horns and beast hate the prostitute and kill her and then somewhere the horns disappear too. Only the beast is left and I'm going to assume that he's become pretty cocky with all the victory he's had over earth and fellow evil. But what he hasn't realized yet is he cut off his nose to spite his face. He crippled himself unnecessarily and all the time he was guided by the purpose of God.

I wonder how we view evil in our world. Do we know that God can "put into their hearts to carry out His purpose"? Do we know He's omniscient and perfect and that nothing is ever put past Him? I often feel puffed up and in control like I can determine my own end and therefore live freely to do the things I desire. But I'm too often like the beast- feeling secure or pretending to be secure in the things of the world that are fleeting and in realities that too often pass away. If I'm going to carry out God's purpose either way, I think I'd like to be fighting on the right side- the side of eternal claim and victory. If I'm going to be a vessel, I'd like to be a full one.

Am I Judas?

One of the central things I'm most afraid of is being wrong. You may laugh, saying that everyone is wrong at some point. Sure, very true. But I will do almost anything to avoid it. And if that doesn't work, I'll do my best improv when the opportunity presents itself to cover any doubt that a mistake could be made on my part.

So, another similar fear of mine is that my Christian life is severly or even slightly misguided. And as I read a passage of scripture today I found myself once again getting caught in the depth of my confusion.

"During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon's son, to betray Him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper" John 13:2-3.

When I read these verses for themselves and excavate them from the surrounding scripture I'm left with two parallel, yet distinct themes.  The devil put it in Judas' heart to betray Jesus and Jesus was in control of all things. Do me a favor- step back a moment and draw up in your imagination a picture of Jesus being in complete control. Can you see it? Harmony, peace. All roses, huh? But here, in this picture John draws for us it's not that way. It's pretty ugly actually.

I love the order John writes in- no mistaking that Jesus was in control in the midst of the devil consuming Judas. But here's my struggle- did Judas have an aching inside of him, burning a hole right through him that he was wrong? I'm not asking about the end, after he had betrayed Jesus; I'm asking did he know all along, all the way back to the first step he ever took astray, that he was wrong?

Now you may be thinking, no one could possibly convince himself that stealing money from the disciples, sneaking around, having Jesus call you out at the last supper and then handing him over to die could be right. Ok, I see where you're coming from- but where you're coming from is HINDSIGHT. Hindsight is an incredible thing where we can look back and see the whole picture. But at the time, the picture was much less complete, much less clear and much less apparent.

So my question is, can I be Judas? I'm pretty well convinced that there are thousands of people that believe without a doubt in a certain cause, in a certain way and in a certain absolute truth. I'm pretty well convinced that some, not all, but some suicide bombers believe their cause is right and true and that they would not be doing it unless they thought it was truly their duty as a servant of their god. I'm pretty well convinced that some people that are doing, in my eyes, pretty ugly things fully believe that what they are doing is right. So how can I be sure that's not me too?

But if I shudder at the first phrase in the passage and realize that it's very possible for evil to inhabit even the best of us (Paul, for instance), I cannot end my thoughs there. I have to incorporate the second theme and see that despite the devil's inhabitation, Jesus is in control of the whole situation. So, my thought becomes this: with God's authority and control we'll be wrong plenty of times. But the central theme of Christianity is glorifying God and loving one another. Now those two things can mean many things but if I stay myself on those two issues and keep from getting caught up in the confusion of the more complicated, then if I'm wrong at least I can rest knowing that I am working out my faith and that someday when I am called to account I can honestly say I fought the good fight and did what I could to pursue truth. And I think that God will still use us, even if we are wrong, to work out His great will and that HE will reveal His truth in His time.

And the hardest, and I mean it, and most challenging conclusion I can draw is that I need to be willing to be USED by God, not for my glory and my proof of my correctness, but of HIS glory and truth. God needed Saul and Judas just like He needed Peter and Paul.

Definitions of Common Words

I read the following a little while ago and maybe it will help you follow my train of thoughts:

"Though it may be argued, theoretically, that a Christianity in which men know how to picket, but now how to pray, is bound to wither, theorizing is not required, because we can already observe the logic of events. The fact is that emphasis upon the life of outer service, without a corresponding emphasis upon the life of devotion, has already led to obviously damaging results, one of which is calculated arrogance. How different it might be if the angry activists were to heed the words found in The Imitation of Christ, 'Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.'

"The essence of pietism, by contrast, is the limitation of primary interest to personal salvation. Even today, by the highways, we can see signs paid for by somebody, which urge us to 'get right with God.' The evil of this well-intentioned effort lies not in what it says, but in what it so evidently omits. The assumption is that salvation is nothing more than a private transaction between the individual and God and that it can become an accomplished, dated event."
-From The New Man for Our Time by Elton Trueblood 

Follow me for a second, would you, and then hopefully you can see where my rabbit trail emerges. So I read this in my little devotional book and it got me thinking about how as believers many times we have the best of intentions with things and we so desperately want people to see the light and goodness that we see in Jesus that we don't actually give the entire picture. It then led me to thinking about one of my favorite quotes by Amy Carmichael that says, "Persecution winnos the grain, and we do not want a church of chaff." This quote to me spells out the goodness of God in hard times. He knocks us down to build us up.

But now continue on down my rabbit trail and I hope you will see the full circle. When we became believers we signed on to a different dictionary than Webster's. Persecution is never positive in any dictionary I've ever read. But Christ says on multiple occasions that His people will suffer much for their decision to follow Him. So if God is good all the time- and He is, that's not up for discussion currently-  then persecution helps make the church and its people stronger, thus glorifying the Kingdom (thus being good!).  Or take good. If you look it up you'll find things like "above average condition, high-quality." Is that what you call a situation that we've all had in our Christian journey when things go horribly wrong? There are many other words I like to use in those bad situations and "above average" isn't one of them. But those situations are "good" when we think of them from God's definition- meaning things that bring us closer to being more like Him and a little less like ourselves in our human condition.

I could go on and on with examples but my point is this: when we signed on to Christianity our dictionary had to change. We have to stop seeing things from the world's perspective and we have to start learning God's perspective.

Maybe you'll resonate with one last example.

" O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame."  Psalm 25: 2-3a.

I can think of about a hundred or more examples when I've felt pretty embarrased in life. And from my human perspective embarrasment and shame are pretty much the same thing. I'm ashamed when I do something dumb (ranging from tripping on the sidewalk to actual sin). I felt "put to shame" in college on many occasions when the "cool thing" was not something I wanted to do and people thought I was a little uptight.

But God's definition must not be my definition because I'm going to choose to believe instead of doubt. So if I'm going to believe I'm going to take Him at His word and His word says "NONE who wait for you shall be put to shame [PERIOD.]" Not "put to shame sometimes" but "not put to shame ever." So my definition must be WAY off, way misguided, way too far deep into our culture and what we find as happiness-giving but really is a temporary band-aid for deeper needs. Whatever emotion I've experienced in those situations whether because I'm sticking up for Jesus or because I've done something clumsy, it's not shame. And you know why? Because God says He made me perfect and I know what His definition for that word is. It may not always be my definition, but I'd rather use His dictionary anyway.