Weary

"The words of Agur son of Jakeh, the oracle, the man declares, I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out. Surely I am too stupid to be a man. I have not the understanding of a man. I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One." (‭Proverbs‬ ‭30‬:‭1-3‬ ESV)

I have a secret I've been carrying around for a while now that hopefully by my confession will somehow free you to rid yourself of any baggage or dark clouds. It's a secret that a friend of mine at church on Sunday exemplified her freedom to confess a similar vulnerability that has since energized me to do the same. I'm really tired, incredibly worn out actually, of a lot of the ways I've practiced my Christianity over the years.

The daily dull routine of obligatory chores aren't working. The Bible studies and reading can bounce off of me as meaninglessly as they flew in and I'm subsequently spending less and less time doing them.

You see, I have always had a very hard time having true, nurturing and challenging relationships. I'm often stuck in the middle of people that do and do not want to hang around me, too often wanting the exact opposite of whatever I'm being offered. That may sound appallingly selfish and misguided, as often in the "doing" of the relationship we get the return, but we equally can't find ourselves in a cult-following: only in relationship with people that look up to us.

This relationship issue has brought with it a world of issues, most notably, although by no means the  exclusive culprit, an ease of wanton indifference from time to time. I have been a Christian my entire life so skipping any normally daily Christian activity, or even church, makes me no less able to shine in any public Christian setting. I can still be the Bell of the Ball. I'm studied, educated and very capable.

But there's the rub. Jesus came for those that realize their sickness. He came to fulfill prophesy, and to use the broken, the without, the least of us all, to accomplish it. You see, my capability actually creates this barrier to God. My intuition, that I lean on so heavily as my guide, while God-given, equally drives God away.

"I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One." If I did, surely I could see past the ignorance of indifference and find authenticity in the very acts that so easily get pushed aside. But there goes my intuition taking over again.

Perhaps you think all these words equate to me being lost. Perhaps you think I'm overthinking it. Perhaps you think I need to let myself off the hook, we're only human and I'm being too hard on myself. Perhaps a combination of it all but one thing is certain: I am always changing - life is always changing - but God, He is never changing. And when I'm ready, He will show me His bigness.

I haven't really provided any path to take, only statements of current existence. But maybe it's a step toward recovery. I'm addicted to the allures of this life, temporary relief and satisfaction much like  any other addict so maybe in this I'll find comfort in the unity it brings to fellow travelers. Or maybe, perhaps maybe, God will speak and He will open my ears to listen.