I hope this makes sense to you and I'm not just an island out here feeling like I've been led astray by the mystical part of popular Christianity. It's partly my fault really. You see, we all seem to want that "I once was lost but now I'm found" moment. We want the dramatic difference, the breathtaking, end-all-be-all time when we put the ugly behind us and are completely changed.
But the truth for the vast majority of us, if not absolutely all of us, is that while we may become new and be completely washed clean, we're still very, very human and very, very, very ourselves with the same insecurities, vices and difficulties.
And yet, I've been a believer decades and I've just verbalizing that I'm still waiting for my moment.
My salvation is steady but my ability to follow ranges from hyperbolic to stagnant in any number of moments. When my emotions run haywire, which is an all too often occurrence, I long for relief, for a day or even a cluster of moments when the constant stream of thought isn't running through my head. After an undetermined period of time I believe quite possibly more than I believe in anything else that a flashpoint will occur and I will be free of that particular struggle.
So I trudge on, believing that with a little hard work, a bit of time and God's grace for a flashpoint, I'll have that moment that I can look back on forever as the moment I turned from the thing.
The reality is I rarely live in reality. My life tends to rock as though I'm constantly at sea and I float along with wherever the current takes me. Motivation will come so I sit passively until it does, often waiting past a reasonable timeframe for inspiration. Things usually work out- I get it done. Heaven forbid I work on that last pesky fruit of the spirit, self-control.
I'll stop with the doom-and-gloom, even though that's pretty much the reality of the human condition. Instead I choose to look toward the ultimate Healer no matter how much I revert back to my emotionally-driven, usually illogical and mediocre ability to follow. I will trust in the One who called me His and I will be thankful that His love isn't determined by the strength of mine.
I do argue that the strength of mine better establishes my faith and any ability to have peace and thereby correctly-defined happiness in this life. Conversely, or perhaps confluently, my salvation is not at all determined by, praise God, the strength of mine.
Praise God that He loved even a fragmented person like me so much that He was willing to create a world where He'd have to send His son, part of Himself, to die just so I could live. And on this journey as I look for my aha moments, I pray God would continue to use the mundane, usual things to lead me to Him so that perhaps I can learn as well from them as from the struggles.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Weary
"The words of Agur son of Jakeh, the oracle, the man declares, I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out. Surely I am too stupid to be a man. I have not the understanding of a man. I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One." (Proverbs 30:1-3 ESV)
I have a secret I've been carrying around for a while now that hopefully by my confession will somehow free you to rid yourself of any baggage or dark clouds. It's a secret that a friend of mine at church on Sunday exemplified her freedom to confess a similar vulnerability that has since energized me to do the same. I'm really tired, incredibly worn out actually, of a lot of the ways I've practiced my Christianity over the years.
The daily dull routine of obligatory chores aren't working. The Bible studies and reading can bounce off of me as meaninglessly as they flew in and I'm subsequently spending less and less time doing them.
You see, I have always had a very hard time having true, nurturing and challenging relationships. I'm often stuck in the middle of people that do and do not want to hang around me, too often wanting the exact opposite of whatever I'm being offered. That may sound appallingly selfish and misguided, as often in the "doing" of the relationship we get the return, but we equally can't find ourselves in a cult-following: only in relationship with people that look up to us.
This relationship issue has brought with it a world of issues, most notably, although by no means the exclusive culprit, an ease of wanton indifference from time to time. I have been a Christian my entire life so skipping any normally daily Christian activity, or even church, makes me no less able to shine in any public Christian setting. I can still be the Bell of the Ball. I'm studied, educated and very capable.
But there's the rub. Jesus came for those that realize their sickness. He came to fulfill prophesy, and to use the broken, the without, the least of us all, to accomplish it. You see, my capability actually creates this barrier to God. My intuition, that I lean on so heavily as my guide, while God-given, equally drives God away.
"I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One." If I did, surely I could see past the ignorance of indifference and find authenticity in the very acts that so easily get pushed aside. But there goes my intuition taking over again.
Perhaps you think all these words equate to me being lost. Perhaps you think I'm overthinking it. Perhaps you think I need to let myself off the hook, we're only human and I'm being too hard on myself. Perhaps a combination of it all but one thing is certain: I am always changing - life is always changing - but God, He is never changing. And when I'm ready, He will show me His bigness.
I haven't really provided any path to take, only statements of current existence. But maybe it's a step toward recovery. I'm addicted to the allures of this life, temporary relief and satisfaction much like any other addict so maybe in this I'll find comfort in the unity it brings to fellow travelers. Or maybe, perhaps maybe, God will speak and He will open my ears to listen.
I have a secret I've been carrying around for a while now that hopefully by my confession will somehow free you to rid yourself of any baggage or dark clouds. It's a secret that a friend of mine at church on Sunday exemplified her freedom to confess a similar vulnerability that has since energized me to do the same. I'm really tired, incredibly worn out actually, of a lot of the ways I've practiced my Christianity over the years.
The daily dull routine of obligatory chores aren't working. The Bible studies and reading can bounce off of me as meaninglessly as they flew in and I'm subsequently spending less and less time doing them.
You see, I have always had a very hard time having true, nurturing and challenging relationships. I'm often stuck in the middle of people that do and do not want to hang around me, too often wanting the exact opposite of whatever I'm being offered. That may sound appallingly selfish and misguided, as often in the "doing" of the relationship we get the return, but we equally can't find ourselves in a cult-following: only in relationship with people that look up to us.
This relationship issue has brought with it a world of issues, most notably, although by no means the exclusive culprit, an ease of wanton indifference from time to time. I have been a Christian my entire life so skipping any normally daily Christian activity, or even church, makes me no less able to shine in any public Christian setting. I can still be the Bell of the Ball. I'm studied, educated and very capable.
But there's the rub. Jesus came for those that realize their sickness. He came to fulfill prophesy, and to use the broken, the without, the least of us all, to accomplish it. You see, my capability actually creates this barrier to God. My intuition, that I lean on so heavily as my guide, while God-given, equally drives God away.
"I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One." If I did, surely I could see past the ignorance of indifference and find authenticity in the very acts that so easily get pushed aside. But there goes my intuition taking over again.
Perhaps you think all these words equate to me being lost. Perhaps you think I'm overthinking it. Perhaps you think I need to let myself off the hook, we're only human and I'm being too hard on myself. Perhaps a combination of it all but one thing is certain: I am always changing - life is always changing - but God, He is never changing. And when I'm ready, He will show me His bigness.
I haven't really provided any path to take, only statements of current existence. But maybe it's a step toward recovery. I'm addicted to the allures of this life, temporary relief and satisfaction much like any other addict so maybe in this I'll find comfort in the unity it brings to fellow travelers. Or maybe, perhaps maybe, God will speak and He will open my ears to listen.
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