Illusion

"The kingdom of God is like buried treasure that one must search for in order to find" (Matt 13:44- Kees Bruin, artist.) He paints these beautiful pictures that are displayed in the Christchurch art museum all with this verse in mind. Each of his paintings holds many subtleties that unless looked for one would totally miss. I think he's right how you have to search for God in everything. Yes, God is everywhere, but to see Him I think our eyes have to be trained to see first. "God creates everything out of nothing- and everything God is to use He reduces to nothing" (Soren Keirkegaard). When we are born again (although I hesitate using such a phrase that's been so plastered with churchy, unrealistic, save every person you talk to people), we come as a child to the Father. I think this is where my Christian journey turned off the straight and narrow path. Sure, I've been a believer since before I could properly say the words Jesus Christ, but I've never allowed God to be all to me and make me who He wants me. I have this great complex to be perfect, at everything. I don't really like trying things because there's a possibility that I might not be great at it right off, and I'd rather not know. Yet, if people are around I'll be more than happy to step in because then I think I'm being the bigger person by making others feel comfortable, so then I'm able to pat myself on the back for being such a perfectly nice girl. It's a viscious cycle really, my mind is always looking for my gain. Oh, to defeat the mind and stand in victory with Jesus over the sinful nature. I truly think that our greatest enemy is ourselves. We accredit Satan with far more power than he actually has, and far more intelligence too. I mean really, we're so scared in life of bad things happening. But ya'll, look who we're up against- ourselves and Satan. The Devil, this angel that actually thought he could be God and so tried to basically take over- which is completely rediculous. Or is it so? Oh, we could have the excuse that he saw everything that God is in heaven and then crazily thought he could 'beat' God. But is this not exaclty like us? God's everywhere and so mujch of life He has made Himself so clear to us. Everyone that's a believer has had those stand in awe, struck down to your core, can't move or breath kind of moments that you shake your head that God is so real. And yet, we try to control our world and usurp the higher authority. amazing how ignorant we really are.

I think I'm a terrible writer. I think so because unless you have action behind your words they are worthless, therefore making most of my words worthless. I'm learning here that you can make your life seem perfect by telling people only the details that sound good or are pleasing to the ears and entertaining, but where are all the honest people? Where are all the people that ask the hard questions and challenge you to be the person that when they look at you they see? How can I be that person? I think I've waited my whole life for someone to disagree with me. I say all these super 'spiritual' things and get into all these deep discussions all the time, but it's not challenging most of the time. I don't mean that curely or pridefully, but people just agree with me and so let me carry the conversations and they just chyme in occassionally. Most of my talking and writing is really just rambling, waiting to actually figure our what I'm talking about and fuss at myself later for saying such ignorant things. I think I might marry the first guy that tells me I'm wrong and feels no shame and offers no apologies for doing so. You shouldn't, you know.