Those days

Have you ever had that day where you wish you could be someone else? I'm not talking about a specific someone else, like seeing a girl and thinking "I wish I was her". No, I'm talking about being tired of being you if I put it bluntly. It's not the ultimately tired of me, it's just today's day. It was a great day actually, I got a lot accomplished and still had time to do the things I wanted. I'm not sure what caused this sudden realization that I had tonight at The Cross. I'm selfish. I want all eyes on me but when they are I don't want it. I want everyone to adore me but when they do I don't want it. I want all the friends in the world but when I have them I want to be alone. I want to control things but when I do I don't like it. But you know what is the big picture of all of this? I'm not abiding in Christ, I'm abiding in Katie. I'm abiding for myself and the immediate pleasures of life. I'm sacrificing the eternal for the temporal. I have no answers to it, no real solutions. I just have a great realization that the way I live life is often wrong. It's wrong because if I'm looking out for my interests and advantages I have my eyes set on the wrong prize.

"One who is full loathes honey, but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet." Proverbs 27:7. I read that yesterday and it's so profound to me today. We should be full in Christ, we should be continually being fed and nurtured by Him because we trust our entire survival on Him. We should loath any sweet thing from a lesser source than Jesus. We should loath it because we don't need it, because it's unimportant. You know sweet things, like compliments, kindnesses, favors etc. The people giving them are not unimportant and they should be praised, but the acts themselves are unneeded to build your life. I think I build a lot of my life on those things, those shifting sand for a foundation things. The next part of the verse says "but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet". It's the same story, different verse. We may not be empty, at the end of our ropes, but most of us are not filled. So we take that even tiny unfilled space in us and we try to make something fill it. Even bitter things we convince ourselves are great, worth it and perfect for us. You know the bitter things, like the sweet things except the particular things that you know deep down aren't just right. The relationships that you force because you want to date someone, the things you say to people because you think it might elevate your status to them when you know deep down you shouldn't have said that (whether because it was a lie or because it was something bad about someone). Whatever the bitter things, the things that don't fill and aren't worth it if we can emotionally unattach ourselves to our lives and see it, those things seem sweet. We sell ourselves short. "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." C.S. Lewis