Is it I?

I am a lot of things. On different occasions you will find me in different moods, opinionated on different subjects, talkative or quiet, patient or abrupt, happy or sad. If you know me, you know I’m a lot of things. “When it was evening, He reclined at table with the twelve. And as they were eating he said, ‘Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.’ And they were very sorrowful and began to say to him one after another, ‘Is it I, Lord?’ He answered, ‘He who has dipped his hand in the dish with me will betray me…Woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been better for that man if he had not been born’” (Matthew 26:20-24). I wasn’t there, so I can’t judge for certain, but I don’t think I would have responded as humbly as each disciple. I think I would have been more like Peter when Jesus told him he would deny- “I will never fall away…Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you!” (vs33-35). I have at least that much arrogance to tell Christ He’s wrong to His face and that I know myself better than He knows me. Hmm...I wonder how many times I’ve actually done that?

I look at Matthew’s recount of the story here and I marvel at the humility and sheep-likeness of the disciples. They sit eating with their Great Shepherd. They’re, I’m sure, soaking in every word He’s saying. He astonishes them by admonishing that someone in their close-knit twelve will betray. Here’s what interesting- if they knew anything they knew their own wretchedness. They couldn’t account for others and they dared not point any fingers any place else but towards themselves. They may not have understood what Jesus actually came to earth to do, they clearly did not comprehend all of His ways and teachings, they were not the smartest men by a long shot and Jesus later explains that they will in fact all fall away that very night (“For it is written, ‘I will strike the Shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered’”). What they understood very plainly was their great depravity in comparison not only to Jesus but also to the way God intended for us to be apart from sin.

Instead of replying, ‘no we would never!’ they realize a few key truths. 1) Jesus is never wrong- If he says it, it happens. 2) They know how weak they are and they realize the accessibility they give evil to creep in and create ruin in their lives. 3) They’ve dealt with people turning away and denying they ever followed- people they probably thought would do great good and then shocked them. 4) They were scared and their master kept telling them He was going to die which partially made sense and partially confused them. They took all their prior knowledge of who Jesus was and everything He’d ever done in their sight or hearing and they realized above all their great depravity compared to the perfect Christ. They knew they could betray, deny Him. Heaven knows our church was built on a pillar that denied three times. Is betrayal so much worse?

I find myself at this stage of life wondering in the very same place as the disciples did then. Is it me, God? Will I betray You? Will I deny You when the going gets tough? Will I shake an angry fist when You don’t give me what I want when I want it? Will I grow tired of waiting on You? Will the knowledge of eternal rest and pure joy with you give me enough strength to hold out no matter what the cost? Is it me? But you know, in our society, we don’t like dwelling on things that don’t paint us very well. It’s so very easy to forget this moment and go on without a true measure of sorrow for our inadequacy as Christ-followers. Is it I, Lord? Will I be able to fight the fight? Here’s the great part- When we finally realize we weren’t meant to be able to fight, we let our weakness, just like the disciples’, make us humble enough so that God can be magnificently strong.