Those days

Have you ever had that day where you wish you could be someone else? I'm not talking about a specific someone else, like seeing a girl and thinking "I wish I was her". No, I'm talking about being tired of being you if I put it bluntly. It's not the ultimately tired of me, it's just today's day. It was a great day actually, I got a lot accomplished and still had time to do the things I wanted. I'm not sure what caused this sudden realization that I had tonight at The Cross. I'm selfish. I want all eyes on me but when they are I don't want it. I want everyone to adore me but when they do I don't want it. I want all the friends in the world but when I have them I want to be alone. I want to control things but when I do I don't like it. But you know what is the big picture of all of this? I'm not abiding in Christ, I'm abiding in Katie. I'm abiding for myself and the immediate pleasures of life. I'm sacrificing the eternal for the temporal. I have no answers to it, no real solutions. I just have a great realization that the way I live life is often wrong. It's wrong because if I'm looking out for my interests and advantages I have my eyes set on the wrong prize.

"One who is full loathes honey, but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet." Proverbs 27:7. I read that yesterday and it's so profound to me today. We should be full in Christ, we should be continually being fed and nurtured by Him because we trust our entire survival on Him. We should loath any sweet thing from a lesser source than Jesus. We should loath it because we don't need it, because it's unimportant. You know sweet things, like compliments, kindnesses, favors etc. The people giving them are not unimportant and they should be praised, but the acts themselves are unneeded to build your life. I think I build a lot of my life on those things, those shifting sand for a foundation things. The next part of the verse says "but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet". It's the same story, different verse. We may not be empty, at the end of our ropes, but most of us are not filled. So we take that even tiny unfilled space in us and we try to make something fill it. Even bitter things we convince ourselves are great, worth it and perfect for us. You know the bitter things, like the sweet things except the particular things that you know deep down aren't just right. The relationships that you force because you want to date someone, the things you say to people because you think it might elevate your status to them when you know deep down you shouldn't have said that (whether because it was a lie or because it was something bad about someone). Whatever the bitter things, the things that don't fill and aren't worth it if we can emotionally unattach ourselves to our lives and see it, those things seem sweet. We sell ourselves short. "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." C.S. Lewis

Hold on

I learn things so quickly in life, sometimes in such a mess of learning that the ideas get jumbled and I easily let them go. I suppose it would be more correct to say I hear concepts or I realize things often in life but I rarely actually apply them to life and let them change me. But, for now let me draw out all the thoughts in my head and try to make some sense.

"Let us Hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23. This promise was huge to me today. How often I have struggled recently to actually apply the truths I speak of. It's so easy to get into a conversation about what life should be like whether by talking about a more fulfilling life of things of wish I was doing or pretending that my life is spectacular and adding a few details to the easily monotonous, routinely ordinary life that I lead. Don't hear me complaining because of outside sources, it's my fault, but life just seems to be same-old same-old (if that's even how you spell that old saying..). But look at the verse "hold fast, hold unswervingly" as another translation has it to hope. The hope that God is so good and faithful to fulfill our joy, to "make it complete or overflowing". If we don't hold tight without letting to and believe and apply the hope, the faith, the ideas, the conversations, the inspirations that we have then we've got nothing to hold onto. We fall when we have nothing to hold on to to steady us. To have a hand grip is stability, it makes the rock beneath our feet that much easier to remain planted on. Ok, so what promise? Well, God promises so much in the Bible that it's awesome. The promise of 2 Chronicles 7:14, "If my people will humble themselves and pray and seek my face then I will turn to them and heal them." And the same is true about this promise that if you call on the name of Jesus you will be saved. Just like that and "If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from ALL unrighteousness." Hear that key word purify? That's huge! I think I get hung up on being forgiven of my sins and being washed clean and I miss the end. I get so frusterated because I do bad things but I don't change after I see they were bad. I sin over and over, particularly with being lazy and selfish. but he says if we confess He will not only forgive but purify us from all unrighteousness PURIFY- that means purge, get rid of completely. That means if I truly take everything to God, even my frusteration about continuously sinning he will purify me and he who promises is faithful.

The middle of the Hebrews verse says hold on the the hope "unwaveringly". What would my life be like if everything I did was with confidence, with a surety that didn't need affirmation or acceptance? That no matter the outcome I acted the same way to people or situations? What would life be like if even when I didn't get the response from someone I was hoping I was unwavering and my love for them never faltered to be disappointment or irritation?

God teach me to hold your hope without wavering. Teach me to run this race with perseverance. Teach me to do your will and to live each day as if it were the best day of the year. Teach me how you love.

Accessible

"Condescend to all the weaknesses and infirmities of your fellow creatures, cover their frailties, love their excellencies, encourage their vitues, relieve their wants, rejoice in their prosperities, compassionate their distress, receive their frienship, overlook their unkindness, forgive their malice, be a servant of servants, and condescend to do the lowest offices to the lowest of mankind."-William Law

A friend of mine and I were talking last night about the importance of truly being a friend. I struggle with actually what it looks like and we discussed several important aspects of it. This quote above being the backbone of my beliefs, accessibililty and anticipating needs would be core values I believe encompase the essence of true friendship. Even in regards to seasonal friends the same values should still be applied. Accessibility to me is so key to being a friend- someone that you know you can get in touch with fairly quickly if you need them; someone you can rely on; someone you know is willing to drop less important (in an eternal mindset) things and come to your aid if need be. But, as my friend pointed out, you can be too accessbile to people. I think I've never realized that before until he said it last night. I think that's one of my biggest problems- I'm either unaccessible or too accessible. When I start out being friends with someone I'm all about helping and being useful. I'd do just about anything that person asks and I'm more than willing to overlook any misgivings or inconsistencies. But over time I think it's either because I take that person for granted or because I stop overlooking their errors (and who doesn't make them?) and I am less available and willing to that person. Maybe I'm admitting something to you that causes you to cringe because you haven't had this happen, (it's not this extreme!) but I think we forget how much love the savior has for us that we should be liberally applying to our friends. And this is no short list of people, but how do you love everyone equally, yet be allowed to have an inner-circle?

Wisdom

"For whoever finds me [wisdom] finds life and obtains favor from the Lord" (Prov8:35)..."The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight" (9:10) These verses fit to me. Look at the pattern- there's such concrete, workable answers to be found. I always am thinking or saying things like I want to be wise or I want to be kind, nice, humble. But how to I "do" that? What does being wise look like, how to I get there? Even more than that what do we all want? Well I can't answer for you but I want life. I want freedom to be so content with myself that I'm always comfortable, always joyful. I want to live fully and with abandon to whatever I love and however things are working out to be happy. So on that note, that's how these verses stuck out to me. I was reading proverbs the other day and this is where I came across these two verses. It works itself out in reverse order so follow me. 8:35 Whoever finds me finds life and obtains favor from the Lord... ok so to find life, since we've established "finding life" as the big goal here, the highest place of joy on earth, to find life we've got to find wisdom. Ok, so then if you go on to 9:10 it says The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.. ok so we have to fear God to gain wisdom. Then it says the knowledge of the Holy One is insight. Insight into knowing how to fear God is knowledge of God. Well we obtain knowledge of God by reading scripture and spending time in prayer or just in God's presence. Being in God's presence is just sitting, clearing our heads of our stuff and trying to concentrate on who God is.

SO there's the answer to life. We want to gain life and God's favor. We start out by reading the Bible, spending time in prayer and just sitting, literally, with God. By doing that we gain insight which is the knowledge of the Holy One. By gaining this knowledge we start to fear God and gradually begin to obtain wisdom. Then we find life because For whoever finds wisdom finds life. I think God has given us such a great tool in the Bible that I often don't take advantage of. I also think that a key to understanding the Bible is being willing to be open, to not come in with preconceived notions on what we think God is but to be willing to let it mold our opinion.

Ubuntu

I learned this today in my African Religions class and since I really enjoyed it and I have a few Africa lovers who read this I thought I would share.

Ubuntu stands for the African anthropology and cosmo-vision of life in community. The South African Nobel Laureate Archbishop Desmond Tutu describes Ubuntu in the following way:

"It is the essence of being human. It speaks of the fact that my humanity is caught up and is inextricably bound up in yours. I am human because I belong. It speaks about wholeness, it speaks about compassion. A person with Ubuntu is welcoming, hospitable, warm and generous, willing to share. Such people are open and available to others, willing to be vulnerable, affirming others, do not feel threatened that others are able and good, for they have a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that they belong in a greater whole. They know that they are diminished when others are humiliated, diminished when others are oppressed, diminished when others are treated as if they were less than who they are. The quality of Ubuntu gives people resilience, enabling them to survive and emerge still human despite all efforts to dehumanize them."

Although I do not have time to unpack this statement to you as I would like, I think it is brilliant that so many things scream God in some many ways. Not to say that this statement is Christian or totally right, but to say that it's a great thing to strive to be this person who has proper self-assurance that does not feel threatened when others thrive. We can learn so much from other cultures and peoples that can make us better people by taking the time to listen to their wisdom.

Doing Good

I went to Camp Norris this weekend, it was one of the most reviving weekends I've had in a long time. It was the kind of weekend that awakens the soul and motivates you to strive harder to live more fully and to realize that this life is so great. Camp Norris is a friend of mine's lake house, a cute little name we put on it because it's such a fun place.

I came into the weekend with a lot on my mind. I know that doesn't shock you, when am I not comtemplating something, but recently I've been thinking about the complexity of leading the Christian life IN this world but not OF this world. I live in a college setting that begs to be loved, to be cared for, to have someone to depend on. I live in a setting that needs stability, that needs to know that there is a God that is so great that He's worth giving our lives to because there's joy there and eternal satisfaction. "But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God;" (ps 73:16-17a) This is where I am, and when I read this I sympathized with Asaph a great deal when he speaks of our great envy of the rich, the "happy", the outgoing- you know in a college setting they would be the people who go out a lot, the ones who always have something to do and we envy them because of the number of friends they have and the number of phone calls they get. It seems so lame reading it here on this screen, but it's such a huge struggle I have. But what great comfort that Asaph had the same struggle and you know what he did? He took it to God, he took it all to God and realized that in God we have everything we need. I think a lot of our tasks can seem wearisome when we realize how much we need to be doing to really make a difference in the world around us, but when we take it ALL to God it makes it much easier to bare the burden and our laundry list of good deads doesn't seem so draining, it seems filling. If in dealing with one who does not respond, I weary of the strain, and slip from under the burden then I know nothing of Calvary love. Amy Carmichael

A Prayer

"God teach me to be constant but not overwhelming, uplifting but not pedistaling, encouraging but not flattering, challenging but not demanding, honest but not forceful, gentle but not soft, meak but not lame, joyful but not overzelous, motivating but not nagging, peaceful but not oblivious, and above all to love friends the way I ought to love them and not for personal gain." I don't know if you go through hard times, I'd imagine you do, but I'm going through one. I have this crossroads of how I want to love a friend and how I should love a friend. I won't go into detail, but I bet you've been to that crossroad, even if not in the same story. It's this great desire that we have to be care about, loved and honored by other people. Sure affirmation and care are vital from people in our lives, why would God show us such community in the Bible, but there is always a point when you get close enough to a friend that you have to choose to love them over keeping them. What I mean is the hardest thing about friendship is being the friend you need, they need you to be above what they want you to be. We can be feel-goody, affirming friends all the time which is always great to have an encourager, but we also sometimes have to love them in a hard way, a way that you must choose to be ok with that person not taking well what you have to say but you know that you still have to say it. It's a choice, do you love them enough to choose the path that's best for them and maybe not seemingly best for you, or do you go on not loving them fully because you're scared to lose them? It's a general statement, I realize, but maybe you understand what I've saying.