Send me

I think a lot of Christians struggle with direction. Knowing where to go in life and what to do has been a point of exhaustion for me. I truly try so hard to be this person God wants me to be and wear myself out trying to fit that good Christian mold. Albeit to be worn down from glorifying God is a brilliant thing, I'm talking about striving so hard for excellence that I often miss the point of Faith. I think my whole Christian existnece, which is from the womb for me, has been trying to find direction and purpose for my life. I have this great fear that I'm worthless and won't do any good or ever feel like I'm supposed to do something or be somewhere. Anyway, I'm not sure if you've been there, but I think far more of us are there than care to admit. Sure it's not this constant nagging, but this gut feeling every once in a while of unsettled leaves me wanting. I pray all the time that God would just direct me. I take the God of the Bible so literally (which I think I should) that I often am frusterated that the way God was so spoken and apparent isn't so today. I know, I know, He left us the spirit which is far more frequent than they had, but still could God not just shout at me every once in a while and say yes or no? Oh, I laugh as I say that aloud, I wonder if you feel that way ever. I had a moment of clarity among all the lies we're often fed of worthlessness- it came tonight at a friend's party (yes, it's a Monday). I realized that God's the planner and provider, He's the one with the agenda. My job is to be willing. That may seem elementary, like one of the things you were told when you were 5, but think about it. Do I stand before God at all times of the day saying, "Here I am Lord, send me"? Am I willing to spend and be spent on doing whatever is necessary to honor Him. I pray for opportunity, which is great, but maybe my prayer should more clearly be for the right heart and mindset to be willing to glorify God in everything. And ultimately, I pray that my motives are heavenly and not for my own gain of happiness or self-satisfaction- because that's, I think, our biggest problem.