Choices

I'm realizing recently that life is all about choices. The choice to grateful instead of complain. The choice to respond in love instead of anger at a harsh word. Maybe even the choice to be happy instead of sad or truly live instead of sit around. Not to say that any of these choices are easy or even seemingly conscious, but I think that maybe we can change our own lives by helping ourselves to a degree. These choices are difficult indeed, as I think most of the time we fail by choosing the easy way out, the way that we've always used- the way that makes us feel powerful and above the other person or people around us. For me, when I respond harshly to someone it's because I feel threatened. I feel I have to show myself to them and make a point to prove that I am intelligent, wise, etc. I have to prove that my idea was well thought out and correct. What ever happened in our society to the teachings of Christ and James to let your "yes" be yes and your "no" be no? We justify ourselves far too much. We have this dying need to be superior, to fight for our opinions, to always be right. Yes, to stand up for what you believe is more than a worthy cause, but why are we, or should I say I, are [am] so afraid of being found wrong? Am I any less of a person, any less perfectly created if I get this opinion incorrect? Surely no. I can't believe in a God if a meaningless mistake such as that should actually shake our self-confidence, our stability, our lives in such a critical way as we often have this blinding mindset deep down towards. Sure, we'd never admit it and probably you're sitting there thinking, "Ok, it's not that bad." But think, why are we so quick to justify, so quick to clear our name, so quick to prove that we're right. Is that person really going to stop being your friend because their answer was better? They'll probably like you more because they see you're not perfect and so far above them. I'm not sure, but it just seems like we have so many opportunities to die to self, to choose to keep your mouth from uttering another hateful word and instead respond in love even if not completely heart felt. Each time the choice must get a "little easier, a little freer, a little less self-conscious. Because every gift I achnowledge reveals another and another until, finally, even the most normal, obvious, and seemingly mundane event or encounter proves to be filled with grace. There is an Estonian proverb that says, "Who does not thank for little will not thank for much." Acts of gratitude make one grateful because, step by step, they reveal that all is grace" (Nouwen).

"If the praise of others elates me...
if the blame of others dresses me...
if I cannot rest when I am misunderstood, without defending myself...
if I love to be loved, more than to give love...
if I love to be served, more than serving...
then I know nothing of Calvary love." Amy Carmichael

Integrity

"I will walk with integrity of heart within my house. I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me" Psalm 101:2b-3. What would my life look like if I lived like this? It would be consistent, I'll tell you that. Walk with integrity within my house- In my house, you know, that place where all your ungliness comes out. That place that all the secret longings and strivings of your heart break free and all your corruption and inner turmoil emerge rearing their ugly heads. That place where you take out the hard things of your day on the people that live there with you. That place. Walk with integrity there- meaning you basically have integrity in all aspects of life and in the places where everyone else is ugly you are even more upright and after God's own heart. And then not set before my eyes anything that is worthless- such a key to a joyous life. How many things do we do that waste time, that do not glorify God. How many times am I lazy and procrastinate, shirking responsibility of things, when in reality those very things are most important and make us feel the most alive. We're anxious when we have "too much" to do and bored when we have too little- when will we cut the worthless stuff and start doing the stuff that pleases God. It's funny how God's designed things- I had this conversation just the other day that He's designed like so full circle. In the Christian life we are designed to glorify God in all things- actions, words, motives, etc. SO by doing these things we bring Glory to God, but through these areas God flips back on us the very things we all strive for- happiness, joy, peace etc. Yet we look for these things in the most worthless areas when only serving God and staying at home in Him can we find happiness, joy and peace. It shall not cling to me- when will I stop-When will I stop convincing myself or believing the lie that those outside of God have more fun or are able to do more. The work of those who fall away is wrong, plain and simple. It's not satisfying, it's not joy giving, it won't make you enduringly happy. But neither will this "God in a box" that our churches teach. Neither will the life that most Christians lead- have you noticed the astonishing number of those that fall away? I read the other day that 90% of child Christians fall away in college. SAD. I don't have an answer, simply a thought that if the Christian life you're leading is exhausting or deep down not worth it, you should reevaulate and see if you're actually worshipping the right God- the God who plants and also destroys, who is gracious but will by no means forgive the sins of the guilty, the God who controls time and space, the God who hears every thought and word you have far before it is communicated, the God who could be everything you'll ever need if you let Him. That God, that one is worth it. If only we believe.

Weakness

I think I discovered one of my major weaknesses last night. I've known it all along, but just now am I coming to see how truly real and apparent it is. I have a hard time separating myself from being in situations but not of situations. Let me explain: Drama is absorbing and I find myself recently all too easily getting sucked in and before I know it I am not only communicating in the same fashion as those around me, but I am hurting myself and others emotionally, physically and spiritually by losing sight of eternal things and resting solely on temporal, meaningless, mindless things of the moment that within 30 minutes I will be frusterated and disgusted that I fell so easily.

"'To whom do I belong? To God or to the world?' Many of my daily preoccupations suggest that i belong more to the world than to God. A little criticism makes me angry, and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down. Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me."

In our culture particularly, we mostly look to the opposite sex for confirmation and adoration. We push into them and work so hard at making ourselves seem worthy of praise. Then, we realize that the deep loneliness and void we feel isn't being fulfilled and we turn to more drastic measures. We believe this lie that worldly things can fulfill that great part of us that only God can fulfill. It's the puzzle piece that the rest of our puzzled life fits into to make it complete.

scaffolding

I studied today for my child psychology class and learned an interesting thought. Lev Bygotsky, probably the most influential Russian Psychologist of all times, had a two main ideas: one being scaffolding. You know scaffolds, the things on the sides of tall buildings that the painters or whoever stands on to reach the high places. Yeah, his idea was that people are scaffolds; we 'support' by guidance, love, etc., other people in the learning process. He proved with the help of other people that a person could in fact exceed his or her capacity to learn. Fascinating, truly. I think I want to be like scaffolding- supporting friends and challenging them to dig deep in life and truly live out their hopes and aspirations. Support, structure and stability- what qualities could make a better friend than these? The dictionary definition is "A temporary platform, either supported from below or suspended from above, on which workers sit or stand when performing tasks at heights above the ground." That's perfect: temporary- a good friend doesn't have to constantly be in your business checking up on you every second to make sure you're "doing the right thing" From bellow or above- either way, a friend loves no matter if it puts them in a bad situation- the love becase they care and bc Jesus loves and not because of the status it will give them or the love they will receive back. Sit or stand- sometimes friends need to lean a bit more when tough times arise. Above the ground- more than just normal life- those times when life is crazier than homeostatic, those times when you need someone to be scaffolding and consistent with you. So overall, I realized I want to be scaffolding so maybe then I'll have a simple example of how to be a friend, which is something we all desperately need.

Passion

I think the greatest deficiency we have in our world is passion. Passion that feeling that drives us to seek out and do the things we love and to love people with intention and meanin. Passion, so out of context in our modern culture as we think it almost to be a negative or inappropriate word. Maybe not such a harsh connotation, but nonetheless, it's supposed to be a word of exuberance, love and inspiration. A friend introduced me recently to one of my new favorite quotes, "Live life with Passion". Another friend painted me a delightful bright colored flower painting with those inspiring words. It often makes me sad to see the true depth of the lack of passion around us. Sermons particularly, with their seemingly empty words either read from a hand-held page thought up days ago with its spiritual meaning having lost its fervor or reading from another's thoughts of topical sermons or scripture either from commentaries or other write-ups. Don't hear me bashing studying and preparing, each are fundamental to proper biblical teaching, but where's the passion in their voice when reading most of the time. These Words from the Spirit should jump off the page, should bring joy. A preacher's job, as far as I can tell, is to bring life. You bring life by enlightening others about eternal things. I've just noticed recently this great lack of passion in the deep soul of all of us that should make us speak as though God truly is who is claims He is, that he controls ALL things, that He reigns and no one will escape Him, that He seriously died selflessly so that we could not only eternally live, but live abundantly, that we could live life with passion. My greatest objection to speakers is not their material but their feeling, their passion, behind those words. 80% of what you say is nonverbal... did you know that? I think we work so hard at evangelizing and speaking Jesus that we forget that unless we live knowing He truly does reign supreme and have our good at heart, we can never truly change our lives or those around us. We can change for a day or a few years maybe if we're strong, but the number of burned out Christians makes my heart hurt and makes me wonder if they ever lived a life of passion.

Treasures

This may seem strange to you.. or you may resonate with it somewhat- I found myself envying the people devistated by the hurricane. I went to Bay St. Louis a few weekends ago on a hurricane relief team. The people I worked with were amazing, it was truly a joy to be working with such delightful people. The houses were torn down and things were utterly destroyed by Katrina that ripped through the area about 14 months ago. I felt the all too familiar feeling of longing to be where those people are. I envy them because they have nothing- nothing keeping them from God. I was told by a good friend from Africa a few years ago that she couldn't understand for the life of her how we could be Christians in America. How true it is, all this clutter and busyness we have that mound up in front of God so that our view of Him is blocked and He often is easily forgotten. I envy them because God took all this earthly stuff that truly is unnecessary from them so that many, many indeed, were and still continue to be able to see the loving God much clearer. You see I often justify, "oh, this is good for my life, taking this time to relax" or "Oh, I need a day to sleep in so I'm not going to get up and pray" or "I'll read my Bible later, I just want to watch tv and go to bed"... you get the drift. Don't hear me saying these phrases are always wrong, nothing is wrong with getting some sleep or relaxing, Heaven knows we need rest and harmony. But how many times do I justify too much? I've got the "I'll do it tomorrow" syndrome big time. It's laziness ya'll. It's the voice in our head (that should be a huge red flag when we hear that voice) that says "it doesn't really matter. God says He'll still love you no matter what.. "

Earlier, I said the feeling of envying these people was familiar. I felt it in Africa a few summers ago about the village of kayamandi. The first few days of the trip I found myself paralyzed by hurt and brokenness for the desolate people there. Then the Wednesday of that first week, my third day in the village, we went on a group tour. Children began to gather around us as we walked and within a few minutes somewhere close to 100 kids were walking with us. I began to skip with my kids, singing whatever song came to mind, unconscious of the extra weight clinging to me, realizing I was ‘struggling with all of His energy’ and that is a surplus. Even with 2 kids clinging to me front and back, and 3 or so attached to each arm, it was the lightest I've ever felt. A burden had been lifted, a burden far heavier that human weight. I was told by my African friend that she felt sorry for me. ME! I have everything. Or so I thought. But ya'll- I found out on my trip that possessions, money, a home, medicine, food and all other physical things are great and should be highly regarded, but we don't need them. ALL that matters is that which is eternal. We will die without some combination of these temporal things, but we're going to die anyway and our eternal matters count forever regardless if it's tomorrow or years from now. All we need is that which is eternal.

I realized that in Africa and was so graciously reminded of it in Bay St. Louis. I envy them because they have no possessions keeping them from serving God with a whole heart and any previous high and righteous attitude was probably leveled by the storm. The people on the hurricane's path aren't perfect or fully following God, but they have been forcedly blessed to be one step closer than we are at following God whole-heartedly because the things they held dear were taken away. Our task of resigning them and wholly following is much more difficult. Randy Alcorn said that 15% of Christ's sayings related to possessions- more than talk of Heaven and Hell combined! "And He said to Levi, "Follow me." And leaving everything, he rose and followed Him" (Luke 5:27-28). Can I follow like that? what am I not willing to give up that needs to be purged from me?

commonalities

I have much to say most of the time, as those around me know all too well. I find our Christian dialect (if you will) to be rather amusing and saddening all at the same time. We flippantly throw around words as though people understand what we're trying to say or else we don't consider the full magnitude of the words we are actually uttering. One such example is the commonly bandaided phrase "God is in control". Now if you've had a serious conversation with me in the past few months I would almost undoubtebly imagine that you heard these piercing words come out of my mouth, but let me explain to you my perdicament. At different points during my day God chooses to unload (yet again- if you will) His meanings of things on me and for that moment I am stunned by the truth of the matter. Tonight was one such occassion. I've struggled a great deal with this concept of "God is in control." Yes, God is sovereign so we could sum up that He is in control over all things, sure. But think about it- Control over ALL things? Control over Katrina destroying so many homes, control over heartache and famine, control over my every thought, word or action, control over what the weather will be like today, control over what I'll write in this blog, control over what time I'll actually get out of bed in the morning, utter control? Now don't hear me wrong, our God is not a dictator, but does He truly have control?

But then I stop in my tracks, that often get far too deep and have a hard time turning back, to find that maybe that's not what our focus should be. Maybe instead of looking at it from such a sceptical viewpoint I should look at it from the perspective "what would life look like if God was in control?" How freeing ya'll! Think about, all those screwups and times you "missed your opportunity to share the gospel", all those terrible sins you've committed (terrible is not meant to rate the particular sin but to merely point out that all sin is terrible), all those discouragements and what we think of as "setbacks". Over ALL of those things, GOD IS IN CONTROL! How utterly freeing to realize we don't have to worry about anything past, present or future because God will provide. Maybe we can start here and then see the bigger picture of His control over disaster, famine, and other heartache. Maybe we can be freed here and see His great compassionate, loving plan of control and then find His control in the sad times. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything present your requests to God who sustains you." Now, hold on a second, big disclaimer- If I truly had enough room to discuss such a broad topic as this I would do so, but I don't. To proclaim such a dangerous idea as I have just discussed could throw some into a sense of oversecurity and flippancy towards our actions on this earth, but God is JUDGE remember. By abiding in God we realize His control and by staying at home in Him we are freed from guilt and worry. Amazing.

I just think we so often hear concepts such as "God is in control" and we don't weigh them to find if they stand on their own. We don't sit and consider their full meaning and what exactly comes along with them. If we truly sat down and thought about things, so many of our Christian concepts don't work or intertwine. it's interesting really, and fairly obvious why our modern church is not the church of Acts. One such being the lack of true belief in our Bible......I'm not sure why I just chose to leave you with that because I have not intention of continuing that opinion tonight.. toon in next time!

Ministry to the Poor

I read something just now and it made me realize how often we in our culture misinterpret things of God. As common as the writings of Paul have become, I often take lightly the great depth of insight they contain. He weighs each word according to proper usage and speaks clearly the words he intends. I struggle with mission trips, not because of the phrase, just simply because of the short amount of intense effort done leaving the community served in a few weeks max and going back home leaving them with maybe a resurrected building, a nice coat of paint on their peeling church walls, cleaned streets, or vulnerable hearts left with a verbal commitment to this Christ that is still partly a stranger to them. My heart breaks with the feeling of abandoning these weak souls, usually with a group member telling me, "we left pamplets," that makes me wonder if they really understand, has any good resulted in this trip, will they be changed, will they know the God I know..? BUT LISTEN~ Paul was a frontier missionary, a pioneer missionary, whose job was to plant the church in places where there were no churches and then move on while the church went on with the work of evangelism. He says at one point, "But now, since I no longer have any room for work in these regions.." REALLY?! I'm pretty sure if anyone said that nowadays we would consider them arrogant. But he wasn't! He knew His task. He was the first guy in and knew what needed to be proclaimed. Moreover, he knew the necessary prayer life to bring to saving grace that particular town.

But actually here's my point. Do I know the God I proclaim? Paul knew deeply this great God and could not contain himself but to share this great joy. He wants to go to Rome but has been unable due to the task he willingly operates of spreading the gospel to foreign places. We have this free Book, this free guide to knowing God, realizing our life purposes, understanding conflict and other people, yet I somehow don't adequately use this vital tool. This vital tool we call the Bible with its life-giving words. Its words that should be the reason we 'live and move and have our being'. What will it take for our generation to see the magnitude and importance of scripture?

a new adventure

So I've started this up again... bringing back memories already. In a way it's for me, I find it almost selfish to hold on to things or tidbits I've learned that are not mine to keep. In other ways, it's maybe for you.. not sure how, but maybe so. I've been asked my many to keep it going, so here we go.

Scripture often makes my heart stand still, if only for a moment, over the amazing way each word was written. The Bible transcends all worlds, all generations, all languages, all everything. It's just as alive today as ever. That's thrilling to me. "The Lord said to Samuel, 'How long will you grieve over Saul, since I have rejected him from being king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil, and go. I will send you to Jesse the Bethlehemite, for I have provided for myself a king among his sons.' And Samuel said, 'How can I go? If Saul hears it, he will kill me.' And the Lord said, 'Take a heifer with you and say, 'I have come to sacrifice, and I will show you what you shall do. And you shall anoint for me him whom declare to you'" (1 Samuel 16:1-3). This struck me tonight as I read it and realized the awesome grace of God. Do you hear it- the fear in Samuel's voice, the lack of trust in God when it all comes down to it. But do you also hear the patient, collected, merciful voice of our God replying in our words, "ok, you're insecure and worried.. I'll give you a way out. I'll provide you comfort and visible protection. That's fine and I love you. I know you're human and I'm ok with that." Such mercy, goodness, kindness. No anger or burning wrath over what we in our age would probably consider lack of faith. I find myself so stressed over presenting myself to God and being the person I want to be. Come as you are. Samuel was scared, he told God.

The only God I can believe in (and as far as I know it's the right one) is the God that deeply desires for honesty, truth, intention, and meaning. A God that yearns for us to cast ALL our cares on him- our insecurities, our lack of desire to pray, our impatientness, our lack of love for another, our faithlessness, our stuborness, etc. all of it; not praying for the big things and fixing the little ones on our own (you know the little ones like increasing patience, joy, passion for reading the Bible, loving other people etc- the ones we forget that only GOd has the power to do, we just to ask and wait in expectation for him to fulfill)

Under His Canopy

something written before I left New Zealand..

Not to me, Father, not to me, but to You be all praise and glory forever.

"Over all the glory will be a canopy. It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain." (Isaiah 4:5b-6) You see, these are life words to me. A canopy over the glory. The glory of the Lord- the great Will of God. A canopy will be over it. That's it, the secret to knowing the will of God. How often we as mere humans struggle to "find the will of God". I know so many people that want to live his/her life for God, but are so uncertain all of the time as to the direction God is leading them. We find ourselves worrying about our futures constantly, trying to decide about college, graduate school, boyfriends, sororities, or even the seemingly smaller things like spending enough time praying or being in the word, studying for tests, insecurities, etc. All in one instant we find that our lives have completely turned on end and are upside down and backwards from how you ever thought it would be. OK, probably not that drastic, but what are you uneasy about? Yeah, go ahead, we all have them. Recently I've been so frusterated with myself for not spending time in prayer and in the Word. I've been angry at my slothfullness and my lack of care toward other people. I've been eating a lot out of boredom and thus adding to my list of aggitations. I'm not living in the canopy. This is not what God had planned as best for my life right now. Yes, we have those certain souls that would say "nothing is outside the will of God." I agree. I dont' think I'll ever be able to wrap my mind around a world that the Holy One does not have absolute and utter control and power over, after all, He created it, so everything createD would be lesser than He, deeming Him as Lord and Master. But, just because He can doesn't mean He does utterly control. No, no our loving Father does what He created the Father figure to do, allows His children to learn and grow from mistakes and hard lessons. A child will only truly know to trust a Father when He tells them not to do something after they have done something and reaped the consequences of that disobedient action. (Was it meant to be that way- after the fall, I mean?)

Illusion

"The kingdom of God is like buried treasure that one must search for in order to find" (Matt 13:44- Kees Bruin, artist.) He paints these beautiful pictures that are displayed in the Christchurch art museum all with this verse in mind. Each of his paintings holds many subtleties that unless looked for one would totally miss. I think he's right how you have to search for God in everything. Yes, God is everywhere, but to see Him I think our eyes have to be trained to see first. "God creates everything out of nothing- and everything God is to use He reduces to nothing" (Soren Keirkegaard). When we are born again (although I hesitate using such a phrase that's been so plastered with churchy, unrealistic, save every person you talk to people), we come as a child to the Father. I think this is where my Christian journey turned off the straight and narrow path. Sure, I've been a believer since before I could properly say the words Jesus Christ, but I've never allowed God to be all to me and make me who He wants me. I have this great complex to be perfect, at everything. I don't really like trying things because there's a possibility that I might not be great at it right off, and I'd rather not know. Yet, if people are around I'll be more than happy to step in because then I think I'm being the bigger person by making others feel comfortable, so then I'm able to pat myself on the back for being such a perfectly nice girl. It's a viscious cycle really, my mind is always looking for my gain. Oh, to defeat the mind and stand in victory with Jesus over the sinful nature. I truly think that our greatest enemy is ourselves. We accredit Satan with far more power than he actually has, and far more intelligence too. I mean really, we're so scared in life of bad things happening. But ya'll, look who we're up against- ourselves and Satan. The Devil, this angel that actually thought he could be God and so tried to basically take over- which is completely rediculous. Or is it so? Oh, we could have the excuse that he saw everything that God is in heaven and then crazily thought he could 'beat' God. But is this not exaclty like us? God's everywhere and so mujch of life He has made Himself so clear to us. Everyone that's a believer has had those stand in awe, struck down to your core, can't move or breath kind of moments that you shake your head that God is so real. And yet, we try to control our world and usurp the higher authority. amazing how ignorant we really are.

I think I'm a terrible writer. I think so because unless you have action behind your words they are worthless, therefore making most of my words worthless. I'm learning here that you can make your life seem perfect by telling people only the details that sound good or are pleasing to the ears and entertaining, but where are all the honest people? Where are all the people that ask the hard questions and challenge you to be the person that when they look at you they see? How can I be that person? I think I've waited my whole life for someone to disagree with me. I say all these super 'spiritual' things and get into all these deep discussions all the time, but it's not challenging most of the time. I don't mean that curely or pridefully, but people just agree with me and so let me carry the conversations and they just chyme in occassionally. Most of my talking and writing is really just rambling, waiting to actually figure our what I'm talking about and fuss at myself later for saying such ignorant things. I think I might marry the first guy that tells me I'm wrong and feels no shame and offers no apologies for doing so. You shouldn't, you know.

winter

I wrote this is the airport, and I'll lose or forget it if I don't type it..

I'm sitting in a crowded airport, people on both sides, all from their own backgrounds, with their own experiences and happenings- their failures and their loses, their victories. It makes me wonder at a God like that. A God that controls time and space; a God that has His very "hook in their nose" (2 Kings 19:28) that controls all things simply because He is God and He created all of this. I wish I realized this great truth all the time- that my Heavenly Father has my good in mind through all events of life. It's so easy to see the tragedies of life as harsh punishments from God sent from fire in His fingertip- the judge, always giving me the hard way so 'I'll learn more'. I have this great clowded view of God so often. He controls the Universe- He's huge!

"Now I saw that as God had His hand in all the providences and dispensations that overtook His elect, so He had His hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against Him, not to animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them, and also to leave them for a time to such things only as might not destroy, but humble them- as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing of His mercy." -John Bunyan

It inevitably seems that when I come out of these hard times or seasons I almost long to be back in them, although at the time no thought would have been accepted. I learned in a documentary yesterday that the Kiwi bird species of New Zealand have lost their ability to fly because of lack of preditors. Interesting, isn't it? Those things in life that try to hurt us, bring up down, are the very things that keep us flying and being how God created us to be- the "bad" makes us not just be typical, but to fly. Or here's another:

"We are apt to overshoot, in the days that are calm, and to think ourselves far higher, and more strong than we find we be, when the trying day is upon us... we could not live without such turnings of the hand of God upon us. We should be overgrown with flesh, if we had not our seasonable winters. It is said that in some countries trees will grow, but will bear no fruit because there is not winter there." Without the often harsh, trying winter it could bear no fruit and be what God intended for it to be.

The color bracelet

In my Rock Solid group that I volunteer for every Friday night we're teaching the color bracelet. All of us that have grown up in the church are well aware of the color bracelets- red is the blood of Jesus, black is our sin, white is that He washes me whiter than snow, on and on... Are we really supposed to be teaching kids this? Or I even remember my Bahamas experience with my church that I was to share the neat color book with the town people at any point in time that I was allowed even a word with a person. Does this really grow the Kingdom how our Father wants it grown? I just can't wrap my albeit small mind around such a concept that this color wheel produces a lasting believer, there's just no depth. It was probably intended to be a sort of jumping off point, somewhere to start, but I think we've got it all wrong now. How can we acknowledge Jesus as Lord not knowing truths about our new life- like how hard it's going to be and how lonely and misunderstood we will often feel or that Jesus was very different than some of the adjectives we use to describe Him today- the adjectives are correct, but we've changed their meanings. Don't hear me preaching that following Jesus isn't worth it, it's totally 100% worth it, but it's the hardest thing you'll ever do, because you'll try. Every day is the constant struggle to get out of bed, to spend time in prayer, both continually through the day and also in specific chunks of time, to love people I don't want to love and learn to want to love them, to die to myself and live for other people, to press on when I feel like quitting, to speak to people that probably won't speak back, to truly care when I ask how someone is, to care about people more than I care about myself, to not be selfish, to not change my personality and vocabulary for the particular people I'm around, to not have to have the last word, to not have to explain myself and 'look good', to see that I'm enough and I've been made perfect, and the hundreds of other things that are flooding my mind right now. Can you last as a believer knowing a condensed sounds-good version of what Jesus actually is and came to do? I'm not really sure, actually.. I just get so frusterated all the time over the lack of depth in teaching, like we're trying to spare people the truth and teach what makes people feel good.

I'm reading Ezekiel right now. GOOD GRIEF! "We shall not seek to understand in order that we may believe, but to believe in order that we may understand." I think if I didn't have this Tozer quote along with obviously some sort of faith in the Bible being the inerrant word of our living God that is supreme in love as in power, I would have tossed this book out the window having heard only the color bracelet in my new "faith". Have you read Ezekiel? Am I firm in my belief in God enough that if God asked me to say some of the extremely bold, radical and seemingly crazy statements to people that I would be able to do it? Besides the real vision Ezekiel sees at the beginning with the four animals that have strange characteristics amongst eyes covering their bodies where Ezekiel ends up eating a scroll so he can go proclaim to Israel the things God tells him, besides all that stuff, God is shown to be the jelous, angry God that wipes people off the earth for disobeying His commands. You gotta read this stuff- it's amazing. There's no way if I had never previously known the great love of our God that I could read this and still be ok with who God is. But God is great. He's great because He "brings men into deep waters not to drown them but to purify them". In these situations the Israelite population was destroyed and most that survived were scattered, but then the greatest thing happens. God is gracious and does not fully give them what they deserve- on at least 2 occassions God says, "I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh (11:19-20, 36:26). And this is not because of them at all- they're still corrupt, He does it for His name's sake. That's been my prayer recently, that I would follow God whole-heartedly and that God would give me a new heart and spirit in the ways that I'm corrupt and change me not for my own accord (bc a lot of times I don't want to change) but to purify me for His name. We're incapable of changing ourselves in these ways- it's the prayer of the father "I do believe! Help my unbelief" or the ultimate prayer model "Thy will be done".

Thy will be done, Father, above my way, above my plans for life. Oh, God be bigger than me. Be my rock, be the one that prevails. Forgive my hidden faults and keep me from willful sins, may they not rule over me. Make the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart pleasing to you. Give me an undying love for you. God you are faithful, purify me to more of your image.

Faith

Faith: such a mysterious word, noting something that cannot be done on its own, but only through the grace of God. It's interesting because I was struck by it tonight. Tonight it occured to me that what goal do we expect to reach in praying if we don't have the faith to believe things will happen? I'm in Matthew 9 today when Jesus continually says, "Your faith has made you well," or connects the healings to their faith. In the latter part the two blind men come to Jesus crying for mercy. His first question is, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" Then Jesus says, "According to your faith will it be done to you." That's amazing to me. According to their faith. agh, I wish I had that faith. I think this is the question that God asks us time and time again in our prayer life and daily existence. "Do you believe that I can do this- heal your grandmother from cancer, enter into a dear friend's life, provide a spouse, get that job, or even give you someone to talk to, make you be satisfied with him alone, give you courage when you're afraid, be real to you, etc. We ask God so many things and then often seemed shocked when these things happen. Why is that? According to your faith will it be done to you. I'm not saying that if something is fulfilled it means you had great faith in that circumstance, surely our Heavenly Father knows all things and works things out according to our good.

Ah, but then the question is raised as to the attaining of such faith. As previously stated it does not come in a neatly tied box or cannot be humanly generated. That's unfortunate for those of us that are the bull headed, I can do it on my own and don't need anyone folks. But ah, Jesus came to call the sinners because the healthy aren't in need of a doctor, so maybe I should seek out my sin, in order to realize that I too am in great need of dependence on a Savior and cannot do anything to receive eternal life. So to answer this we turn to the Mark's gospel chapter 9 verses 22b to 24. I think this is such a humble way to come to Jesus. As strange as it may sound to us Bible belters, maybe this is where we should start in prayer. This man comes to Jesus in all his questioning and uncertainty and dares not act like he's got it all together, but instead says, "if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." Sure we can read our Bibles and listen to "strong believers" tell us that God can do all things, but I think we have to grasp and believe that for ourselves, and not merely take someone's word for it. I think my whole life I've just had this understanding that God is over all things, but I've hardly come to Him in my true heart. My true heart is a very human heart that has huge valleys of unbelief and doubt. My true heart screams, "I'm praying, but I'm going to try and take care of this myself, I'm telling you I want to give it to you, but I don't believe you can actually handle it by yourself. Your way is the hard way, and I just want to relax and have fun in life." Many of those statements can lead to other topics,but that would take far too long.

My point is that to build a house you have to lay a foundation. You can't start at the second floor. I think we have this scripture memorizing, tell as many people about Jesus and life is good complex in our Christian society and we've never allowed ourselves to be real about our unbelief, our questioning. Everything is possible to him who believes. But I think that's an outcome and not a beginning. A beginning is saying with this man, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Do never come upon this question in life to me if fatal and will at some point stop your Christian life in its tracks and you will question all of life, even the existence of God himself. But I think even here God welcomes honesty. Help my unbelief.

Isn't the God of the Bible the same God of today? So why are thousands not being saved in one day, as the church of Acts, or why are miracles and healings not happening by the touch of a disciples hand and a prayer? why? Maybe one reason could be because we've lost the firm foundation, we lost our honesty in our 'walk with Jesus'. Everything has to be perfect and going well. We've lost our faith. We've lost the necessity of a network of believers. We've lost knowing that God is first Father and wants us to pour our true hearts and feelings out to Him- that to come to Him in our mask is utterly useless. I've put on a happy face my whole life. I've been the girl that's had it all together. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. That life is not worth living for. And the hardest thing is that I can't just cast it aside and the people-pleasing, I'm a great role model life disappear. Don't be fouled. In the accounts of Jesus telling people to follow him and they immediately dropped what they were doing and followed him, don't think that all of the sudden their lives were completely right. They still had the fisherman mindsets, the skimming off the top as tax collectors brain, but they realized that following Jesus was worth the hard road learning how to be more like Jesus and less like their human nature. Help me, Father, for I know not what I am doing. Romans 7:15-25.